I Thought I Was A Pastor With A Porn Problem
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was once again telling my wife that I had actively sought out pornography. I remember telling her that I was “doing better” though. Little did I know that I was truly addicted. I had believed a lie that I was “okay”. That I had a good handle on my sin. As a husband, minister, and as a want-to-be father, I could not continue to live the way that I was living and that my wife needed to see me as a leader and not a slave to sin. I was willing to do whatever it took to gain freedom from porn and its grip on me.
I began my journey in counseling only to find out I didn’t have a porn problem. I had a gospel problem. I preached the gospel every Sunday and yet, deep down I discovered that I believed that God was distant and uncaring. This led me to believe that I myself was ultimately worthless to God and others. I also learned that in order to feel worthy, I had to perform well for God and look to others to gain a sense of self-worth. I knew the gospel in my head, but I didn’t believe it in my heart. I learned that running to pornography was a coping mechanism to feel a false sense of worth and to escape my deep thoughts of disappointment.
Learning what it meant to walk in the spirit versus walking in the flesh became everything to me. I learned PBA vs. ABP. Performance Based Acceptance was my old go to. I now live in Accepted based Performance. Because of what Jesus has done, I am free. I am loved and worthy because of what He did. Not what I did. I learned that this truth is where freedom lies and where victory lies in the battle of lust.
Through counseling, I learned how to practically fight for victory in the very moment. I was able to immediately identify the deeper problem by asking my self, what is the lie I am believing right now about God? What is my lie about myself and what is the lie about others?
Do I fulfill my desires with sin? I have a choice. To choose to live by what I feel and sin, or to walk in the desire of the Spirit by choosing what is true. Through this, I found victory and abundant life!